Healing isn't linear

Today I had a breakthrough. Against popular belief, it was actually kinda terrifying. For the last couple of weeks I have felt myself spiral in obsessive thoughts and behaviors and had a war in my mind. It was a straight up WAR. My automatic thoughts and self talk were critical and demeaning, my logical and reality-grounded self had to attack the thoughts…. So I was battling myself. Then I stopped. Then I stepped back. I used a dissociation technique to see it all, outside of the chaos. Breathe. Feel. Step back and look at her. Look at the surroundings, the circumstances. Does it warrant this level of stress and panic? Breathe. Compassion. Reality. Grounding again. Whew!

But this wasn’t the end, it was a moment for trauma to resurface. I had to feel safe for the hurt child to be seen. I’m thankful for that. But the hurt child I was faced with this morning broke my heart. I didn’t know how to respond to her. I didn’t have words that a 6 year old would be able to hear and feel safe again. “It will be ok, not for a while, but it will be ok.”

“You don’t have to be perfect to be loved.” That's what I want to say to her, but she doesn't know that that is what she's doing to survive. She doesn't know that trying to be perfect will prevent her from the friendships she longs for. She doesn't understand that vulnerability is the key to intimacy, and even if she did, she couldn't try it out, because it's not safe. The adults are dealing with a lot. The adults don’t need her causing trouble. One adult pins his love on her perfection. She’s a reflection of him, after all. The other’s pine over her perfection so she continues.

So from birth, she's cared for others feelings more than herself. Trauma didn’t create that, that was there. But trauma amplified it.

So today, I had a moment where my body FELT a moment in my childhood. A moment when an automatic thought was created that has stayed with me throughout my life. Love is fragile, conditional, and performance based. Now, mind you, in resistance to that I have countered in my approach to others with an unwavering love, loyalty, empathy - not exactly healthy, but I could say that I was treating others as I wanted to be treated. But I held no expectation that anyone else would, in fact it was the opposite. Love is fragile, they will leave when you make a mistake or fail.

My body started shaking like I had JUST experienced a scary event. You know, the adrenaline shakes that comes? I literally was sitting in my bed journaling. Nothing else. This is where the breakthrough happens. Not fun, but I know what to do now. I took a shower. I cried A tear, which is so frustrating for me - I wish I could cry. It was like not getting to orgasm…..so close to release!!! So, I talked with a friend who knows what I’m talking about, and then I took two dogs, who love to run and pull me the entire way, and two boys on wheels for a walk. I sprinted twice! (If you know me you know I don't! Run, unless I'm in fear for my life). I walked and breathed, and enjoyed the outside, and got lost in my thoughts and most importantly COMPLETED THE STRESS CYCLE. This has been hiding in me for 33 years y’all. It's likely to come up again. Because healing is like peeling an onion, makes you cry every freaking time. Gosh, I wish I could cry without a total mental breakdown #2021goals.